Coping Mechanism: Failed
by frostfalcon
Summary: Another Collar Kink fill I did a few years ago... Neal's method of coping makes Peter decide to take things into his own hands. This work contains description of Self Injurous Behavior including cutting. It was originally done as a fill in the collar kink meme. Just thought I'd give a heads up as some of these things can be unsettling.


Neal had completely missed the clue they needed, it was looking them right in the face until it was too late. He was able to tell Peter for certain that Robert Colbain was the one who had stolen the vase from the DeMarco's superbly decorated brownstone, but by the time he figured it out Colbain was already out of the country with the vase and several other treasures he had stolen along the way. Neal felt like he was way off his game, he should have been quicker to see the pattern and recognize Colbain's signature style.

Peter had told him it wasn't that bad, he had still managed to solve the case even if they didn't get Colbain. They would track him down eventually, but that didn't make Neal feel any better about himself. He felt like it was his fault, if he had just figured it out sooner they would have the items and the thief instead of just knowing who he was and having to track him down.

Peter dropped Neal off at June's with a assurance that he did good and that no one is perfect and even if it took longer then he wanted it too at least he figured it out, which was more then the rest of the team had managed. This wasn't really doing any good but he smiled at Peter and said he understood that he couldn't win them all. He headed up to his room and felt like he need to some how make up for being too slow to put the pieces together. He looked around and tried to think of some way he could purge the feelings of inadequacy, he had to do something… pain would clear up some of his feelings and bring his mind back into a sharp focus.

He had a few tricks he had used in the past, he just had to figure out just how far he wanted to go. He had the urge to use one of the X-acto knives he had in his art supplies but that could scar and he was careful to never do anything that might leave a permanent mark, thought cutting did cause a bright sharp feeling, even an accidental paper cut caused that surge of relief and blotted out the feelings he had sometimes. All his usual methods of coping with these feelings were out of reach. He had to come up with something discrete but that had enough of an impression that he wouldn't soon forget.

In the past he had turned to Kate and she was more then happy to mete out punishment for him, usually with a crop or other instrument, she had gotten off on hurting him, and just thought it was a kink of his, he had never told her about this part of him, he was afraid she'd think he was broken and leave and he really couldn't handle that rejection. Then he went to prison and it was punishment enough and he didn't need the release he got from pain.

He finally decided on a hitting himself a few times, a few good whacks to his thighs, hard enough to bruise, to be felt and they would stay a while and remind him of why he couldn't fail Peter again. It didn't feel like enough but he didn't want to do anything that might draw attention.

A few hours later he decided that it wasn't enough and he took out the art supply box and dug out the case with the X-acto knife, got a new blade out and cleaned it with some rubbing alcohol. He contemplated where he should do it, the arm was out of the question just in case he did scar or someone got a look at it. Then it came to him, and he felt the release he was looking for as he drew the blade across his side just above the bottommost of his left ribs. He only went about an inch and not very deep but it was that sharp pain he had been looking for. He let it bleed for a little bit just watching the blood well out and run down for a while. Then he went to the bathroom and cleaned it up and put a band-aid over it. I didn't look like it was going to be deep enough to scar and it was in a place not many people would see, it was discrete and he could hide it.

The bruises he had given him self would heal and so would the cut, he felt better but with all the thought and effort he'd put into his actions he never bothered to deal with dinner and he didn't want to deal with it now so he just went to bed and tried to figure out how he could do better tomorrow. He didn't want to let anyone down, especially not Peter.

The next morning brought a new case, this one was fairly easy and they caught up to perpetrator the next day. Neal had figured out the scheme with some very intuitive thinking and some great insights from Jones. He and Peter ended up having to chase the guy around and in the end they got him with a minor scuffle. Neal's pants ended up ripped so while Jones and Cruz went to process the prisoner Peter took Neal home to change.

As Neal got to his room he took off his jacket and vest and headed to the wardrobe to grab some new clothes when Peter looked at him closely.

"Neal, did you get hurt?" Peter asked.

"No why?" Neal responded looking at himself, when he saw what Peter had noticed, the small cut on his ribs must have opened up in the scuffle and was bleeding through his shirt. Peter walked over and pulled his shirt out of his pants and up out of the way. He saw the bandage and pealed it off while Neal tried to reassure him it was nothing and push his hands away. Peter was persistent and finally looked closely at the very neat almost surgical cut.

"Strip! and don't hide anything from me." Peter ordered Neal trying to get a good look at Neal as he tried not to panic.

Peter just looked at Neal, then looked at the marks and bruises that hadn't started to heal yet, "What happened Neal?" Peter asked, Neal just looked away and didn't say a word, then Peter noticed the X-acto knife and rubbing alcohol sitting by the sink. "This never happens again Neal." Peter said trying to gather Neal up in a hug. Neal didn't move and still didn't make eye contact.

"Peter, I…" Neal started to say and was cut off.

"Neal, you shouldn't do this. I can't imagine why you'd even think this was OK." Peter said.

"I felt like I needed to pay for my mistake, I wasn't as fast as I should have been." Neal said as he wrapped his arms around himself and looked down at his feet.

"Neal, you didn't do anything wrong, you did the best you could." Peter said trying to get Neal to look at him. He finally just reached over and put his hand on Neal's chin and tilted his face up and looked into Neal's eyes, "How long have you been hurting yourself?" Peter asked quietly.

"I'm not sure, as long as I can remember there has been something I've done or let others do to me." Neal whispered, as he finally started to feel like he could say something without losing it.

"Others? You let people hurt you?" Peter was still trying to grasp what Neal meant and how he could do this.

"Kate, she thought it was just a kink that I had. She liked to spank or crop me and I encouraged her. I got my release and she got excited, it worked for us." Neal said as he started to shiver.

"Come on lets get you cleaned up and dressed, then we can talk about this." Peter said as he guided Neal to the bathroom and tended to his cut. "Here put your pajamas on and get in bed and rest for a bit while I think about this. Neal just went along letting Peter do with him what he wished. Soon Neal had dozed off and Peter was left trying to figure what to do, it didn't look like Neal had ever done too much damage to himself, he didn't have the tell tale scars that usually tipped off friends and relatives that there was a problem, that just meant Neal was clever enough to hide it and had been for years.

He thought long and hard as Neal slept and finally thought he may have an answer, if Neal wouldn't got into therapy, which Peter really doubted he would, but he'd give him the choice. Then Peter would try to give Neal what he needed, he woke Neal up.

"I'm going to give you a choice Neal, either you go to a therapist and try to work this out or you let me take over your discipline." Peter said as Neal stared at him and then looked confused.

"Really? You'd do that for me?" Neal asked, not sure if he was totally understanding what Peter had said.

"Yes if that's what you need then I can take over the responsibility, but it will only be when I've deemed that you've done something worth being punished for and no cutting, I'll either spank you or something similar, I'll make sure that the punishment fit's the circumstances and you have to talk to me, tell me when your feeling like you need to be punished so we can discuss it and see if it's just your feelings or if you did something wrong. I think you really need to lighten up on yourself but if you need this then I can handle it." Peter said not really believing he was agreeing this but if it got Neal to not hurt himself then he could deal with it, at least Peter trusted himself to not go too far and he didn't think that Neal had the same self limits, he liked to push the envelope in everything else, he'd probably push it in this too if he were allowed.

"I understand Peter, and I'll try to not feel this way it's just sometimes it's the only way I feel I can cope. Thank you." Neal said, feeling like maybe he wasn't as bad as he thought he was if Peter could see it maybe he could see it someday too.


End file.
